


They Set You to Reason

by bertie456 (bertee)



Series: Bones: You're Lovely to Me [21]
Category: Bones (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-01
Updated: 2008-09-01
Packaged: 2017-10-27 20:26:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/299722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertee/pseuds/bertie456





	They Set You to Reason

To say Dr Lance Sweets was not easily scared would be a lie.

As a child, he'd been a firm believer in the boogeyman, to the extent that he'd refused to go to sleep without double and triple checking his closet and reciting the Boogeyman-Be-Gone chant that his despairing mother had concocted as a placebo. In his early teens, he had been strangely afraid of his neighbor's cat, although this may have been down to reading too much Edgar Allen Poe rather than any actual demonic behavior on the part of the cat. And finally, in college, he had sworn off ever watching anything on a video-cassette after a particularly traumatising late night viewing of The Ring.

However, as he sat in his office, facing his latest clients, he could safely say that Seeley Booth scared him more than all the others combined.

This was partly because, unlike the boogeyman and the creepy television-exiting girl, Booth wasn't imaginary, and partly because, unlike the cat from next door, he had a gun and opposable thumbs. The fact that the woman sitting next to the agent also happened to have a Karate Kid mentality and, by all accounts, a twitchy trigger finger did not help his anxiety any.

Swallowing hard, Sweets fixed a smile on his face as he looked between his clients, not particularly enthused about the topic he was intending to discuss with them in today's session. He knew that it was necessary, and possibly a watershed moment in their therapy, but that didn't make it any easier to raise to the already unwilling partners.

 _Deep breaths. I spent years working on my doctorate. I am a fully trained psychologist. These questions will help them. I am good at my job,_ he listed firmly, hoping for some self-validation. However, the most motivating factor was somewhat more practical, as he reminded himself, _Neither of them are allowed to bring weapons in here. I will not get shot, no matter what I ask._

Suitably reassured, he asked in what he hoped was his most relaxed and conversational tone, "So, Dr Brennan, Agent Booth, would you say that you two are sexually compatible?"

The question was met with silence and if he hadn't known better, he would've sworn the pair had been frozen, their faces displaying matching expressions of surprise, disbelief and horror as they stared at him mutely.

Before Sweets could marvel at his new-found ability to apparently freeze time, Brennan found her voice, and asked, insulted, "Excuse me?"

 _What the hell, I'll take that literally._ "Would you say that you two are sexually compatible?" he repeated, directing the question towards Brennan.

However, much like a anti-psychology tag-team, Booth answered for her, "Yeah, we heard you, Sweets." _Dr. Sweets,_ he corrected mentally, but the agent, who was not telepathic and probably wouldn't have paid any attention if he was, continued, "What the hell kind of question is that? It's not relevant to our job, it's not important in our _working_ relationship and it's definitely not something that we're about to discuss with you."

 _Wrong, wrong, and wrong,_ he thought, but instead attempted a more diplomatic reply, "Agent Booth-"

Diplomacy was steam-rollered when Booth interrupted, "No. I don't care what your little shrink books say; we are not discussing this. Now move on and fill the most pointless hour of my week with something that you're actually old enough to know about, or I'll have you reported to the Bureau's Psychiatric Standards Department."

Doubtful of whether such a department even existed, he countered, "You know, Agent Booth, retreating behind authority figures when threatened is a very child-like response, suggesting that the issue at hand is too large or too difficult for you to deal with."

Booth's mouth fell open, and the young man suddenly had visioned of the gunless agent improvising and throttling him instead. Wanting to use his vocal chords while he still could, he continued, "There's no need to be embarrassed about the question; anything said inside this room stays inside this room. Zone of trust, remember? You never have to mention it to each other again." Seeing that Brennan was softening, he asked again, "Dr Brennan, would you say that you and Agent Booth are sexually compatible?"

"Bones, you don't have to answer that," Booth said quickly as his partner eyed him appraisingly.

"Well, he's certainly a good breeder. Symmetric features, strong build, and what would be generally considered to be an attractive appearance," she contemplated.

"Of course, if you want to answer, feel free," he amended, obviously enjoying the compliments.

She pondered further. "Strong protective instincts, would be socially deemed as a good father, apparently successful with women..."

"Good kisser?" Sweets prompted, with all the subtlety of a marauding elephant in a pottery shop.

"What?" Booth protested, regarding the psychologist with suspicion.

The doctor's eyes widened and he held up his hands in defence. "It's to establish your connection, not because of any personal reasons," he explained, hurriedly. "I have a girlfriend."

"But if you didn't, you'd be interested in kissing Booth?" Brennan interpreted curiously, and both men looked at her, appalled. Registering this, she returned to the earlier question, "Objectively, I would say that Booth was a better than average kisser."

"Thanks, Bones."

"But I don't think that we'd be sexually compatible." Booth just looked surprised, and Sweets smirked inwardly, guessing that the agent had pictured just how sexually, physically and vocally compatible they'd be many times in his mind. Ever the scientist, Brennan gave her reasons for her theory, "We bicker too much to function as a couple. We have very little in common aside from our work, and so wouldn't work well together in a relationship."

Sweets "hmm"d in thought, before turning to her partner. "And you, Agent Booth?"

"I agree with Bones," he said firmly, still slightly offended by Brennan's verdict but deciding to present a unified front nonetheless. However, he couldn't resist putting the boot in a little. "She's bossy, and she always has to be right and to have the last word. Plus, she keeps bugging me about wanting a gun. Nope, definitely no sexual compatibleness there."

"Compatibility," Brennan corrected and Booth just gave the psychologist a "you-see-my-point" look.

Happy that the agent had taken the bait, Sweets glanced down at his notes. _Pretend like it's a coincidence, and that you weren't waiting for him to say that all along._ "Actually, Agent Booth, the fact that you have a problem with Dr Brennan's supposed bossiness differs from the information you provided in your questionnaire."

Pausing for dramatic effect, he then continued, "According to the information you gave on your past relationships, you seem to prefer to date alpha females, thus relegating yourself to beta male."

Not entirely sure what a 'beta male' was, other than possibly an improved postal system, Booth leaned over to Brennan who informed him, "Beta is the second letter of the Greek alphabet. Beta male would be the opposite to an alpha male."

Having been called an alpha male enough times to make him now quite attached to the description, Booth took offense to his sudden demotion, and made this abundantly clear to the therapist. "Hey, alpha, not beta. I'm definitely the alpha in relationships."

 _Pretend to look at the file..._ "Well, the information you gave disagrees with that theory. You dated a lawyer, correct?"

"Tessa," Brennan chipped in, not without a hint of jealousy in her voice.

Nodding, Sweets carried on, "Most lawyers are notoriously bossy and domineering individuals, stemming from the need to be in control in the courtroom. They also use manipulation occasionally as a means of reasserting their control, just as they would do with a jury."

As much as he hated to admit that a twelve-year-old was right, Booth clearly remembered Tessa all but blackmailing him into fulfilling a variety of her needs. Realising Sweets may have a point, he stayed quiet as the doctor moved on.

"And then you dated a woman who was apparently high up in the workplace."

"Dr Saroyan. She's my superior at the Jeffersonian," Brennan again contributed, slightly bitterly, while Booth winced a little at the memory.

Catching the wince, and guessing that there would have been some truly epic awkwardness when that became common knowledge, Sweets stated his now-firmed-up hypothesis, "Ah, so Dr Saroyan was in a higher position than you, suggesting a power distribution in her favor. Again, this would put her in the alpha female role and you in the beta male."

Still uncomfortable at being called a beta anything, Booth internally conceded that during his relationship with Cam, most of their nocturnal encounters had been dictated by her, to the extent that she'd frequently woken him at night to get him to come over to her place and help relieve some of the tension that had built up during the day.

The therapist quickly noticed that Booth was lost in his thoughts so pressed on to the final example he'd been given. "And finally, you said that the mother of your child also had a bossy streak, and can be very controlling when it comes to allowing you access to your son." The agent's expression darkened, and Sweets quickly amended, "Which is obviously a more legal problem than an emotional. But still, you said that she was argumentative and would yell at you a lot when you were together."

Booth nodded, remembering Rebecca's many tirades. "What's your point?"

"My point is that you obviously prefer to be in a relationship with dominant women, and so take on a submissive role yourself," he concluded, with an air of self-satisfaction.

"Submissive?" Booth repeated, incredulously.

Ever helpful, Brennan explained, "The opposite of dominant, meaning someone who is more naturally passive and lets others take control. Sometimes used in a sexual context to refer to someone who enjoys being-"

"Whoa!" he interrupted, not wanting to hear his partner's thoughts on what he enjoyed having done to him in bed. "I know what it means, Bones, and no, okay?" He fixed his attention back on Sweets. "Not submissive. Dominant, in control, alpha male, whatever you want to call it."

"But your past relationships-"

"Didn't work out, alright?" Booth stated firmly. "Sure, the... physical aspects were great at the time, but they didn't work out. Obviously, I need to be in a relationship where I can be in control," he finished with a somewhat surprised look on his face that his point actually seemed logical.

Foiled briefly, Sweets quickly regrouped. "So what you're saying is that the sexual part of your relationship worked well because you could take on the less dominant role there, but you need to be in control when it comes to the rest of a partnership."

Booth looked at him blankly, unsure whether to agree or to be insulted. _Shouting is only one letter away from shooting. Ergo, silence is good,_ the therapist reasoned before moving on. "As for you, Dr Brennan, you seem to be the opposite to Agent Booth, since you seek out beta males as partners, judging by the answers you gave me."

The agent perked up again, and asked with a chuckle, "Sully? He's a beta male?"

Sweets nodded. "According to your answers, Agent Sullivan was the typical beta male; happy to let other make decisions for him, impulsive, and lacks drive and solid foundations. The same applies to another boyfriend, who you said was a member of a cult?"

There was another snort of laughter from Booth, and the doctor tried to suppress his own smirk as Brennan replied testily, "Yes, David. I met him on the internet and we split up when he tried to recruit me."

"You sure can pick 'em, Bones," Booth said with a grin, and Sweets felt strangely relieved when Brennan's angry glare was directed at her partner rather than at him. _You might make it out alive, Lance._

"Cults find it easier to recruit those with weaker minds and less dominant personalities," he informed her, and she settled back into the seat, arms folded in annoyance while he continued, "And the final example you gave me was your professor from college."

"Dr Stires," she said, a small smile on her lips at the memory while a scowl appeared on her counterpart's face. "But he was definitely an alpha male. Higher position than me in college, greater knowledge..."

"Yeah, but you kicked his ass in the Costello trial, Bones," Booth chipped in with a proud grin. _She assaulted someone in court?_ Sweets thought, panicked, and, seeing his expression, the agent corrected with a smirk, "Not literally, kid."

Mildly relieved to hear that his client had fewer psychotic tendencies than previously estimated, Sweets concluded, "Well, since you gained the position of power in that relationship, it's another example of your alpha female qualities, especially in choosing a relationship with a beta male. You presumably like to be in control, Dr Brennan; physically, emotionally and sexually."

On hearing this, Booth nearly choked as he took a sip of water. _Quick to leap to sexual daydreams or fantasies,_ Sweets noted mentally, regarding the coughing agent with barely concealed amusement. Brennan, however, looked less amused, as though she was still trying to decide whether she would rather be described as bossy or passive.

 _Speak now while they're quiet. Carpe quietness._ "This is why I asked you if you thought you were sexually compatible, since Dr Brennan assumes a dominant role in relationships, and you, Agent Booth, however subconsciously, take on a submissive role."

"Again, I ask you, how is this relevant?" Booth demanded, still rankled by the 'submissive' comment. "We're not sleeping together, and we're not in a relationship."

"Ah, but a partnership is like a relationship," Sweets declared, resisting all temptation to pull a Yoda and jiggle the word order a little. "I'm trying to establish what contributes to your individual romantic relationships to see if it applies to your partnership too."

"It doesn't," Brennan stated firmly. "As you say, I prefer to be in a relationship with beta males, and Booth is too overbearing and too much of an alpha male to be suitable."

Offended and slightly hurt, Booth began to argue too, "And, _as you say_ , I want to have some control in a relationship-"

"But not sexually," Sweets clarified.

Glaring at him, Booth continued, "Sex doesn't matter here. I barely have any control in our partnership, since she's bossing me around all the time and complaining about the integrity of her remains-"

"Me? You're the one who never lets me have a gun, and who always wants to enter a suspect's house first-"

"Because I am an FBI agent, Bones! That's my job! I just don't want you to get hurt if-"

She looked over at Sweets triumphantly. "Alpha male!"

"Maybe that's why you're here," the doctor said quietly, and the bickering partners turned to look at him, expectantly. "You don't suit each other. You said you're not compatible, and you certainly don't fit with the patterns of each other's previous relationships. This could be why you're in counseling in the first place - you don't belong together as a team."

There was silence as Booth and Brennan seemed to realise what they'd argued themselves into, and neither met the other's gaze.

 _Crap, say something, guys! Don't make me feel like I just stole candy from a baby._

Eventually Brennan found her voice, saying uncertainly, "Maybe that's a good thing." He gestured for her to elaborate and she complied, "The relationship Booth and I have is different from what either of us have had before, but maybe that's good. Neither of us have a romantic partner currently, indicating that our previous relationships were unsuccessful, so what we have now could be considered a success. The roles of alpha and beta, which you seem to think are defined, are more fluid in our partnership, since each of us have control in different areas."

Seeing where she was going with this, Booth continued, "Yeah, Bones gets to be all alpha-y in the lab and with her bodies and I get to be in charge at the Bureau and at crime scenes."

Sweets nodded, pleased with this rationale, but apparently Brennan disagreed, as she objected, "You are not in charge at crime scenes."

Booth looked at her, confused. "Yes, I am"

"No, you're not. You just stand there and make notes!"

"And give instructions and issue orders."

"'Give instructions' and 'issue orders' mean the same thing," she informed him petulantly.

"Hey, I drive. I'm in charge," Booth stated, hoping his reasoning would hold up.

Unfortunately, the critical flaw was mercilessly exploited as Brennan pointed out, "That's your car, not the crime scene. Your authority ends when you turn off the engine."

Seeing that this could go on for a while, Sweets interrupted, "So the pair of you are dominant in different areas, essentially meaning that you are both alpha-beings and beta-beings at the same time. This does seem to cause a lot of conflict between you, though." _And by a lot of conflict, I mean more fighting than in the battle of Middle-Earth._

Booth shook his head. "It's not really conflict. I used to yell a lot more than this when I was with Rebecca."

"I don't yell," Brennan informed them both, and her partner nodded in agreement, looking at Sweets.

"She doesn't yell."

"We just bicker sometimes," the anthropologist conceded.

"Loudly."

She rounded on her partner, repeating, "I don't yell. It's not rational."

Booth shrugged, the grin on his face informing the psychologist that he knew exactly which buttons he was pressing, "I never said you did."

"But you implied that..."

Hearing the 'bickering' start up again, Sweets zoned out as he wrote notes in his file. _Good partnership. Each excels and is dominant in different areas, rather than one being totally in control at all times. Ideal for a working relationship._ He smiled as he pondered to himself, _Pretty good for a personal relationship too._

Now feeling more confidence and less fearful, since his obstinate clients had opened up and made what he considered to be a break-through in their relationship, Sweets decided to take advantage of the relaxed and friendly atmosphere. _They won't mind. It's just one more question. They won't know it's for a personal bet with Dr Jacobs across the hall, who saw them working together once and was interested. They'll just think it's part of the assessment. It's not unprofessional, just human curiosity._

Glancing at the empty holster on Booth's belt one more time, he reassured himself, _They're not so scary. They aren't armed, and once you get to know them, I'm sure they're nice people. Nice in a non-homicidal way. There's nothing to be afraid of._

The bickering reached a natural pause, and Sweets leaned forward, asking with what he hoped was casual interest, "So, have you ever found out which of you two would be in control in other circumstances?" _Keep it subtle, Lance._ "You know, in the diner, in a bar..." _Nice and smooth._ "In the bedroom..."

Apparently, subtlety was not one of his strengths and upon receiving what could only be described as death-glares from the partners, Sweets quickly developed a new phobia to add to his long and varied list of fears. Namely, being-alone-and-outnumbered-by-Seeley-Booth-and-Temperance-Brennan-when-you've-just-tried-to-discover-inappropriate-details-about-their-sex-life-aphobia.


End file.
